


to me, you're always beautiful

by aloistrancy



Series: flower wonkyun [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 02:51:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11221752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aloistrancy/pseuds/aloistrancy
Summary: Of course his tone was angry, whenever he felt even a slight emotion it overtook him. Changkyun had learned to read Wonho over the years, to know exactly when an emotion was about to burst onto the scene like a criminal.





	to me, you're always beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> *walks in late with a fic* so this is part 2 of my wonkyun hanahaki disease fic. i write a lot about mx conspiring bc i feel like theyre all sneaky lil bastards. also i figured the disease effected the 2 of them differently bc of how long changkyun waited, also he was emo before so. the title is obviously from inspiring by taeil a song that needs 5.6 million more views than it's got. this IS technically a happy ending so ...i delivered something.

Nothing automatically fixed itself, everything took time. Changkyun learned she took her sweet time to heal all his wounds. The empty sensation he felt had taken it’s toll on Monsta X’s youngest. The lyrics he wrote after the surgery were bland and disingenuous. He went through the motions of an idol at dance practice, during recording, and, when they interacted with fans. No one knew about his situation and what he went through. The only ones who knew of his suffering were his members and his company, not even his parents had found out. Changkyun was eternally grateful he was a legal adult and his medical issues were his own business. He couldn’t imagine his mother’s face if she ever found out. 

Life went on and Changkyun dealt with the loss in his own way. He longed for loneliness now that his members were on him every waking moment of the day. They worried and he was grateful for their love but most of the time he just wanted to handle his lack of emotions on his own. The sensation the thorns left was a constant gnawing in the pit of his chest. It became easier to ignore as time went on thankfully. 

His relationship with Wonho was understandably strained and the fans noticed. Before, the two of them always found their way to the other’s side. They would tease each other until one of them got mad (mostly Wonho) or one of them embarrassed themselves (Changkyun). These days they barely spared one another a glance. Changkyun felt nothing when he looked at his elder, he couldn’t ever remember feeling anything for him either. It was a blessing and a curse. He had suffered through his one sided feelings for long enough. Yet, when he looked back on videos and photos of them he couldn’t help but long for that again. Even as the emptiness gnawed at his guts he yearned for something more with Wonho, even if he _was_ the indirect reason he felt this way. Changkyun just couldn’t find it in himself to hold a grudge.

“Changkyun-ah.” Kihyun’s voice always had a way to tear through his deepest thoughts. Changkyun wondered how he managed to do that. He lifted his head and smiled at Kihyun before he shot him an expectant look. “Are you ready? The vans here.” 

Oh right. They had filming for X Ray season 2 today. How was he supposed to fake his way through this one? Changkyun tried to think back to how he was before all of this started. He still had his dry humour on his side thankfully, the surgery hadn’t taken away his clever mind, he just appeared more robot like then even Shownu. It had been hard to continue on but Changkyun had smiled through it all. 

“I’m ready hyung.” Changkyun confirmed with a small smile. That was a lie but he quickly dashed down the hall towards his room. A noise stopped him however, a small coughing coming from the hyung room. Now that he thought about it everyone had seemed to already be corralled by the door except one. Slowly he skipped past his door and stood just outside the closed one. It was undeniable who it was. Wonho was the only one who hadn’t been ready. Changkyun couldn’t help the way the gnawing sensation in his chest amplified at the sound. Changkyun didn’t even knock as he let himself in. The scene before him was so familiar. Wonho hunched over as he held onto the bunk’s frame. Small purple petals fluttered from his mouth like confetti and Changkyun just watched. The nothingness within him bloomed and he couldn’t feel any ounce of sympathy for Wonho. This was a side effect of it all, for a while at least, a temporary lobotomy. Changkyun simply watched with curiosity as he peered at Wonho while he clutched at his throat. 

“You should tell someone. Hiding it doesn’t do you any good.” Changkyun offered helpfully with a dull look. He could hardly remember how painful the thorns that clogged his throat had felt. “They can take it out before it kills you.” 

“Don’t talk like that, I would never want to end up like you. A shell of yourself. I can’t do that.” Wonho snapped as he wiped a hand across his mouth. 

“Suit yourself.” Changkyun knew he should be offended by what Wonho said but he simply wasn’t affected. “When you suffocate from within you might change your mind.” 

And that’s how he was now. His body knew Wonho was the reason he felt this way. He was blunt and unkind to the elder now. Even if he didn’t want to be it was his natural reaction to Wonho’s presence. It’s why Kihyun always helpfully put the two of them at opposite ends of any line up. He always made sure Changkyun was on his team during challenges. Everyone had been so helpful and if Changkyun could, he would feel eternally grateful. 

Wonho stared at him helplessly. Changkyun’s words had become something so cold when directed to him. And as the clawing feeling spread throughout his chest he knew he deserved it. He had done to Changkyun what Changkyun was doing to him. He deserved to feel the pain he put Changkyun through for being too late. Wonho knew that all. It didn’t make it any more bearable. 

Changkyun stared at the other for a moment longer before he turned to leave. There was just no use in showing how cold he could be to Wonho. Despite it all Changkyun didn’t actually want to hurt him. So he quickly left the room and left Wonho to himself. Should he tell someone? Or should he let their most emotional member suffer through it all? He understood where Wonho was coming from. Not wanting to give up any ounce of emotion. Wonho was like that. Changkyun knew he would rather suffer than feel nothing at all. 

If he could feel anything towards Wonho, Changkyun was certain it would be worry. He didn’t want Wonho to be found dead on the bathroom floor like he had almost been. He would have to keep an eye on him. 

Changkyun wondered that if he told Kihyun if he would care. The vocalist hadn’t made it a secret how upset he had been with Wonho. Despite the fact that Wonho couldn’t control his timing, Kihyun had been particularly sensitive to anything he said, even the way he looked at Changkyun. Kihyun would be in his face in a second. It made Changkyun felt so guilty that he had been the cause of tension between his hyungs but he knew Kihyun’s personality could never be contained. If he was mad you were going to know. 

Finally Wonho joined them in the front hall and the group made their way down to the van. Changkyun nudged Jooheon’s arm and nodded towards Wonho. Thankfully Jooheon took the hint and wandered over to Wonho’s side and latched onto him like a leech. At least that hyung took hints. Changkyun didn’t want Wonho to suffer alone so he would do what he could to silently ease his pain. For all the torment he had been through Changkyun still had a drive to look out for Wonho, for all of his hyungs. So when they piled into the van and he heard Wonho laugh along to something Jooheon had said, he couldn’t help but smile to himself. 

Filming wasn’t difficult, they let Minhyuk, Jooheon, and Kihyun take the lead as they always did and everything went pretty smoothly. Changkyun even smiled and waved to their fans that had come out to catch a glimpse of them. They were sweet in their intentions and Changkyun could feel it. It was also a nice reminder that not everything was lost when it came to his emotional range. 

“Has Wonho hyung been acting weird lately?” Minhyuk whispered to Changkyun as he raised his brows. He had this thing where he tried his best to be subtle but he would stare right at the person he was referring to, it made conspiring very hard. And Changkyun loved conspiring. “Like weirder than usual.” 

“I don’t know. I don’t pay attention to him.” Changkyun shrugged. He didn’t miss the way Minhyuk flinched at his words. He wasn’t use to Changkyun’s disinterest in Wonho even if he saw it first hand every day. 

“I think something’s up. We should inspect.” Minhyuk continued anyway. “Actually. You should inspect. With your lack of interest you might be the one to figure out the most. You might not feel anything for him but you’re still the smartest.” Minhyuk smiled fondly at Changkyun as he praised him. His bony hand found it’s way to Changkyun’s and he let his fingertips brush over the youngest’s knuckles. A small reminder that he could have affection whenever he wanted. 

Changkyun only smiled warmly under the touch. The gnawing sensation dulled as Minhyuk touched his skin. It had been strange for a while, the way he reacted to his members. At first small touches had been unwelcomed, he would brush off any attempt they took to touch him. Something in his brain registered it as danger. A small voice in the back of his head would remind him, _‘That’s how it started with him.’_ Slowly but surely he became himself again. The cute, energetic maknae he had been before this whole mess. It was like the dorm sighed a collective relief when he hugged Shownu from behind and whined about how exhausted he was. It had been the first time in nearly a month since the surgery that he expressed how he felt. Kihyun nearly cried. Hyungwon was quick to make fun of his teary eyed expression. 

“You really want me to be Sherlock? I don’t know if I know how to sike him out.” Changkyun murmured. Getting to the core of Wonho was really very simple. He was emotional to a fault, he couldn’t take criticism if his life depended on it, and, most importantly he was extremely one track minded. If he interested in something it was an all day affair he would invest into it. Changkyun had watched him first hand watch a workout video and then spend the entire day at the gym. On the surface he didn’t seem very complex, to Changkyun he seemed ditzy sometimes. When you dug a little deeper and learned the heartbreak he had gone through it was obvious why he acted that way. As a guard to keep everyone at bay, keep up a barrier and no one can come in and hurt him. Changkyun had seen through it, he was the same way only he covered up his pain with humor. 

“Just promise me you’ll talk to him.” Minhyuk all but whined as he slowly tightened his grip on Changkyun’s hand. God, this hyung was so transparent. For awhile now Minhyuk and Jooheon had been doing everything to get the two to talk. To at least face one another so the rest of the group could go back to normal. The pair knew as long as Changkyun and Wonho were tense that Kihyun would silently be at Wonho’s throat. And if Kihyun was off balance, everyone was off balance. Changkyun knew that’s what he was doing but he didn’t have it in him to deny Minhyuk. Their moodmaker had been working overtime lately and Changkyun felt bad. So he simply nodded at his words and squeezed his hand back. Progress is progress. 

Changkyun knew exactly where to find Wonho after they all returned to the dorm and he hadn’t. Even if he felt nothing towards his elder he still knew him like the back of his hand. So when he wandered into the gym Wonho frequented and he was not sweating to death on a single machine Changkyun was slightly shocked. Then he remembered why Wonho had been so dead set on working himself to death and lingered near the locker room. The sound of retching was all the confirmation Changkyun needed. Slowly he pushed the door open and stepped inside. Changkyun wasn’t one to work out, this place was foreign to him, thankfully he wasn’t so dense that he couldn’t follow sound. He could see Wonho’s bent knees before he saw anything else. A stall door had been haphazardly shut in haste Changkyun was sure. 

“Wonho hyung.” Changkyun tried his best not to sound monotone. In all fairness he would sound monotone either way. “Do you need anything?” Was now really the time to be asking that? Changkyun had never been very good with social cues. 

“Changkyun?” He sounded so shocked that Changkyun tilted his head. “What are you doing here?” A few more smaller coughs left him. Changkyun didn’t move he didn’t want to panic Wonho with the thought that he was just going to barge in there. 

“I’m worried about you.” Not _Minhyuk told me to._ Changkyun had practiced being kind on the way over. “I think you really need to tell someone about what’s going on.” 

An annoyed growl left the stall before Wonho quickly followed. His face registered sadness and anger. Changkyun wondered how he managed to do that. Wonho’s hand was on his wrist, tugging it up before a doe eyed look took over Wonho’s features. Before either of them could continue Wonho broke into another fit of coughs. Purple petals erupt from within him and Changkyun felt them flutter over his skin. It should be gross, it should be absolutely disgusting that those very petals came from inside someone. It’s not doing it’s best to register as gross, Changkyun is simply interested. For the first time since his surgery Changkyun can look Wonho in the eye. And of course it’s when Wonho needs him most but there’s nothing Changkyun can do. Wonho would never give up any ounce of emotion he had. Changkyun hadn’t wanted to give his feelings up either but he had no choice. 

“I think you should tell the manager.” Changkyun explained as he picked a petal off of Wonho’s shoulder and let it fall to the ground. Changkyun knew he was the cause of Wonho’s suffering and he should be pleased karma worked out this way. But there’s nothing. When he looks at Wonho it’s like there’s a wall and all he can remember is the Wonho he met on No.Mercy. The Wonho who didn’t like him and told him he had bad timing. And so naturally he responded how he would back then if he had the confidence he has now. With disinterest and a cold shoulder. Minhyuk’s voice is a constant in the back of his head however, his slightly whiny tone telling him to fake the worry if he has to. The group knows the emotional toll Changkyun is taking on Wonho. They don’t want anything to get out of hand. It’s why Shownu goes with Wonho to the gym a lot more these days, why even Hyungwon will cuddle up next to him despite his vocal dislike for physical affection. 

“I already told you no. Why can’t you accept that answer?” Wonho asked loudly. Of course his tone was angry, whenever he felt even a slight emotion it overtook him. Changkyun had learned to read Wonho over the years, to know exactly when an emotion was about to burst onto the scene like a criminal. His brows would furrow and his lips would purse and he’d throw a hand out or two. It was a whole show and now Changkyun was front row. 

“You don’t deserve to feel the way you are. And you won’t be any less you if you get rid of the flowers.” Changkyun murmured. Finally he noticed the way Wonho hadn’t let go of his wrist. “Consider it.” 

“No. I told you, I don’t want to forget how I feel about you. My timing was off but it’s still real. I still mean it.” Wonho looked close to tears and if it were any earlier Changkyun would explode with petals and suffocate them both. “Fate wants me to endure what I put you through. Don’t you see? I deserve this.” 

“I couldn’t think of a less deserving person in the world than you. You’ve never done anything bad.” Changkyun laughed softly. He watched the way Wonho flinched at the sound. Everyone had been doing that a lot lately. “You’re soft hearted, you don’t deserve the thorns that plague you.” 

Changkyun wondered if he had gotten through to Wonho and the next day when everyone was already up in the kitchen except Wonho it felt like confirmation. Changkyun could see the guilt ridden expression Kihyun wore. How Minhyuk looked miserable, wasn’t he the one who told Changkyun to snoop? Everyone turned to look at him and it felt like the very first time they all let their gazes fall on him during No.Mercy. Except now it was a mix of sorrow and pain. A look on each of their faces that Changkyun could nearly taste. It was so tangible. 

“Wonho went to visit the manager today, he told us what’s going on.” Shownu explained slowly as he stared down at his outstretched hands on the table. Of course Shownu was still level headed. Changkyun had learned Shownu was the one who pushed an over emotional Kihyun away and saved his life. That thought was enough to elicit some warm feelings in Changkyun. Not all was lost when it came to Changkyun’s emotions, if anything it was like a reboot button. The surgery had done little more than dull each of his emotions but every day he learned newer, stronger ones. Like how the brush of a finger brought out the happiest sensation in Changkyun’s chest. 

“A case of bad timing.” Kihyun whispered then as he kept his fingers laced and smiled sadly at Changkyun. Yes, the universe had a strange was of teaching you things. Changkyun had learned first hand that great loves didn’t happen for everyone. Sometimes things we’re off and it ruined everything. It forced Changkyun and everyone around him to recalculate. And again it was happening. How many times would they have to endure this? 

“You knew.” Minhyuk finally spoke up as he peered at Changkyun. It was true but not long before they had. For some reason Changkyun felt a little guilty. 

“I told him to tell someone. I told him he would still be himself afterwards.” Changkyun explained as he flickered his gaze between the five who sat there. “He said he didn’t want to be like me. He didn’t want to be a shell of who he was. I can’t help that Wonho hyung is an emotional person.” 

“We know.” Jooheon nodded. That was his number one confidant, his best friend, and, the one person who would always be on his side. Changkyun didn’t lose a single ounce of emotion he felt for Jooheon. All of his feelings for each of his hyungs had remained intact, they were just guarded. While the ones for Wonho were completely gone, just a blank space where his heart used to be. “We know how he is. How he’s so intuned with his emotions. This time it was to a fault but he’s going to be okay. 

“Timing really is a fucking bastard.” Hyungwon laughed bitterly as he leaned back in his chair. “Why would the universe do this to us?” He asked annoyed. It was interesting to Changkyun how he said us. How he hadn’t singled out Changkyun or Wonho. If it were any other circumstances Changkyun would smile at that thought. It was all seven of them, it always had been. Even though he had been distracted by his more intense feelings for Wonho, never had he doubted the other’s love for him. 

“Yeah, but what can we do? We’re going to have to do it all over again-” Kihyun murmured. “Not that I’m complaining Changkyun. What we did for you, we did because we love you.” Changkyun knew what he had referred to. How the other’s had tip toed around him and thought about what they said for once. At first Changkyun felt like a science experiment but he knew they were just trying their best. “I was horrible to Wonho, how am I supposed to make it up to him?” 

“Wonho hyungs greatest weakness is his heart. He will forgive you. We’ll work hard.” Minhyuk smiled sweetly then. A cautious upturn of lips from their moodmaker, he was trying his hardest now to be strong. 

Changkyun wondered when all of his members had become so strong. When had they been so up for a challenge? Changkyun wondered how they’d stepped up and helped him now they were going to do it again without a second thought. He couldn’t help the way happiness bloomed across his chest just thinking about them. He leaned down and wrapped his arms around Minhyuk’s shoulders from behind because he couldn’t express the emotion any other way. 

“It’s his greatest weakness and his greatest quality. Always.” Kihyun spoke softly as he eyed Changkyun and Minhyuk. “We’ll help him through this just like we helped you.” He leveled Changkyun with a fond look then. Kihyun was just happy to see him pressed up against Minhyuk. All this tension had taken a toll on Minhyuk, he always tried to be happy for everyone but it wasn’t easy. 

“How are we supposed to have our comeback?” Jooheon asked curiously. It was a genuine question. Changkyun had wondered how he managed to stomach even going on stage afterwards. Just the thought of bouquets their fans would wave was enough to make him sick. He knew it would affect Wonho even more, someone who felt every emotion of the others around him including his own. “He won’t be able to do it. I can’t watch him do that to himself.” 

“We’ll see how he is first okay? Don’t get in your head about it.” Shownu glanced at Jooheon then. A small reassuring smile rested on their leader's face and Changkyun pressed his cheek to Minhyuk’s. It was a rare moment when Changkyun felt extremely touchy. Even before the surgery he wasn’t particularly clingy except when he wanted a bite of someone’s food. He was a notorious introvert and he always opted to be alone so this was a rarity. “Just- let’s wait and see. Time will tell.” It rarely told of good things. 

In Wonho’s absence everyone felt the need to make up for his presence. Kihyun was loudly shouting from the living room, Minhyuk and Jooheon were the reason he was shouting as they played a video game. Shownu had snuck off to the gym and that left Hyungwon and Changkyun tucked up in each other on the couch. 

“I’m happy you’re better.” Hyungwon spoke softly as he bumped his head against Changkyun’s shoulder. For all Hyungwon proclaimed he didn’t like affection he was the one who always initiated it and nothing made Changkyun happier. “When you were in the hospital none of us slept. We all stood in the kitchen and conspired. I know you love that.” And when he laughed Changkyun couldn’t help but open up under his touch, like a flower searching for sunlight. It was the most beautiful sound Changkyun had heard in awhile. 

“I do love conspiring, you’re right. I’m sorry for what I put you through.” Changkyun offered his apology with a small smile. Putting everyone through his pain was his greatest regret. Initially he had been so dead set on hiding his condition and that was the worst idea of all. They all had to watch him be taken away in an ambulance, unsure if he would live.

The disease took a lot out of him, but nothing made him more upset than the thought of his members thinking his love for them had died. It hadn’t. It had only left Changkyun with a sensation of doubt about those feelings. It was a side effect he would have to endure and push past on his own. So when he easily pressed his cheek to Hyungwon’s head and he heard the elder sigh he knew progress was being made. 

“You don’t need to be sorry. Wonho hyung has bad timing, it’s funny that he said it to you once. But you know that we all love you, the lack of flowers proves that.” Changkyun noticed that he didn’t mention anything about Wonho not loving him back in time. Had it been that way all along? Wonho hadn’t loved him as deeply as the others? The members did their best to avoid the topic at all costs and Changkyun didn’t bring it up. 

”Yeah, that’s _really_ funny Hyungwon.” Changkyun deadpanned. Hyungwon lifted his head quickly, hands reaching out for the other to no doubt explain himself. Quickly Changkyun cackled and let his head fall back. He wasn’t usually this easy to trick. The sound of Changkyun’s laugh had all the members turning to him, even Kihyun listened for once.

“You’re lucky you were on laughter probation.” Hyungwon scolded but the grin that spread across his lips gave him away. “Otherwise you’d be getting an earful.” 

“I still am!” Changkyun pouted up at his members. Maybe he was laying it on a little thick but the way Minhyuk cooed loudly and crowded into Changkyun’s space was a sign it wasn’t unwelcome. 

“Cutie.” Kihyun grinned as he swatted at Minhyuk’s hands. Everyone stilled at the sound of the door. Five pairs of eyes quickly flickered to the source of the sound. In walked Shownu, Wonho, and, their manager. Shownu had one hand around Wonho and was obviously holding most of his weight. 

“Wonho needs to rest until his medication is finished, he won’t be on schedule with you guys.” Their manager explained with a worried expression. Yeah, they understood that. No one had even flinched at the sight of Wonho but they all saw him. His expression was lost, somewhere far from here. Changkyun knew how he felt. 

“We’re going to set him up in his bed, Kihyun I’ll tell you what to do with these. I’ll come stay with him when the rest of you are on schedule.” He quickly explained before he motioned for Shownu to follow him. That was what it would have been like had he told someone? Changkyun watched after them before he ran a hand through his hair. _‘This isn’t about you’_ he internally scolded. Changkyun would have to be strong for Wonho too. 

“Stay here.” Kihyun motioned at the four of them before he wandered off towards the hyung room. None of them moved, didn’t want to breathe too loud and say the wrong thing. When Kihyun finally left the room the four of them turned in towards one another. Conspiring.

“What the hell? It’s just day surgery? You literally decided to be a martyr for no reason.” Jooheon scolded as he stared pointedly at Changkyun as if he didn’t know. 

“Listen, get off my back. I thought I was doing you all a favor. We need to focus.” Changkyun explained as he glanced at Minhyuk. _He_ needed to focus. The look of mock offence Minhyuk wore didn’t go unnoticed but Hyungwon had other things in mind. 

“Kihyun is about to get ten times more annoying than usual.” Hyungwon explained with a look of irritation. “You know how he is when he gets to play nurse. Loves it.” 

“Sometimes you say things and I know they’re coming out of your mouth but it’s like I just don’t hear you at all.” Minhyuk muttered as he pressed his hand to Changkyun’s shoulder. “All we have to do is stay out of Kihyun’s way and help Wonho hyung feel better. Bring him back to life like we did for Changkyunie.” He cooed and pinched his cheek once more. “Then again Changkyun was hardly alive before the incident.”

“I _can_ hear you.” Changkyun interjected Minhyuk’s monologue before he rolled his eyes. They all stared at one another before they nodded. It really felt like the scene in an anime before everything went horribly wrong. And knowing the four of them it probably would. 

They next day everyone tiptoed around the fact that Wonho was being nursed in his room by Kihyun and periodically their manager would stop by to check on him. It was such a strange change for them all. Kihyun had previously been the loudest voice against Wonho. He had been angered to the core by Wonho’s actions and what he put Changkyun through. Changkyun wondered when Kihyun put his pride aside and decided that to help Wonho was the right thing to do. 

It was obvious to know that the four of them were being very suspicious. So much so that Shownu had side eyed each one of them as they all pressed their ears to the hyung door to try and hear what Kihyun and Wonho were saying to one another. Yet, there was no sound coming from the other side of the door. The four exchanged a look and slunk back to the living room before they sat in a small circle. 

“You think they’re bitterly just staring at one another? I don’t even think this could stop Wonho from how petty he can be.” Changkyun muttered as he motioned to his own chest. 

Minhyuk frowned. 

You’re probably right. They just shoot daggers from their eyes as Kihyun feeds him soup.” Hyungwon snorted as he rolled his eyes. Of course he did that. Changkyun knew Hyungwon operated on sarcasm and pretending he didn’t care. Even when it was so obvious he deeply cared and he wasn’t fooling anyone. Changkyun had learned how important a look of concern was. On more than one occasion Changkyun had stumbled, had tripped and recovered and stomached the embarrassment. During one of their performances he stumbled, thankfully he was low to the ground and not many people caught it. Which was Changkyun’s biggest fear. Quickly he glanced across the stage and Hyungwon was staring at him while in position. The look of concern on his face was obvious. After the show Hyungwon had come to his side and wrapped his arms around Changkyun, hand wandering as if looking for injury. He cared a lot. 

“Maybe they’re the type who don’t need to speak to communicate.” Jooheon scolded softly. He was always the type to believe in the best in people, it’s why he was so good. It was why Changkyun would tell him anything until the end of time. Even if Jooheon didn’t know the right thing to say he would offer his strong hugs and whisper that everything would be okay, it had to be as long as they had each other. Jooheon was the most considerate of others which had been surprising to Changkyun when they first met. Changkyun figured he would be arrogant and cocky because he was the most well known member. Changkyun believed he would have that attitude where he thought he didn’t need the others, he was good enough on his own. And he was. As Changkyun learned him he had seen first hand just how good he was. He was charismatic and could easily draw in anyone’s attention. Changkyun had seen it. 

“They’re not.” Minhyuk laughed as he leaned into Changkyun’s side. Changkyun knew Minhyuk was the only member who explicitly sought out physical affection without shame. Changkyun wished he could be more like Minhyuk whenever he watched him cling warmly to Shownu, never to be rejected. If he had that sort of confidence he would do the same. When they first met Minhyuk was nothing but cold stares, not so much as a word tossed Changkyun’s way. The very first time Minhyuk sought out his affection was after their first debut broadcast in the car on the way home. Minhyuk was sat next to him and Changkyun was rigid. Despite being more tired than he had been in his life he stilled and kept an eye on the elder from his peripheral vision. Minhyuk said nothing as he leaned heavily against Changkyun’s side and let out a long sigh.

“What are you guys doing? You’re not good at being subtle.” Shownu’s normally quiet voice echoed within their apartment. All four of them turned their attention to him. How was someone so big so easy to sneak up on them? That was mostly a good part when it came to Shownu. The person Changkyun felt the most comfortable in silence with. Even just his face was comforting enough. Changkyun could watch him watch his iPad and he was filled with comfort. People often discredited Shownu because he was quiet, he was often comfortably in the background. Changkyun knew he was the most talented in their group. Everyone had something but he had it all. Changkyun knew he and his members often tried to highlight the attributes he had but Shownu was comfortable just to keep them to himself. It was why they had, for the most part, stopped trying to shove him into the spotlight. If he wanted it, he would get it easily. If Changkyun sought out physical comfort he would go to Shownu first. They often spoke in shared looks and when Shownu would smile and nod his head Changkyun would press himself against their leader. 

“We’re not doing anything. We’re tyring to figure out how to help.” Jooheon explained with a cute nod of his head. They all knew what he was doing. Sneaky bastard. 

“Right. You can help by going to sleep earlier tonight because we have to be up for schedules tomorrow at 6am.” Shownu squinted like he didn’t believe Jooheon at all. Then again Shownu never really believed anyone but Kihyun even though he was always the culprit to play jokes on him. Speaking of which that very man walked down the hall, a hand through his hair as he faced the rest of them. 

“He’s really bad. He’s so upset about the lack of feeling there. He thinks he can’t ever love us again.” Kihyun’s tone was strained as he relayed Wonho’s feelings to them. Changkyun hated what he was hearing. The thought of Wonho being worried about emotions, his greatest trait, was heartbreaking. And it was all his fault. How funny that the feeling that hadn’t ever left him was guilt. And now it heavily wracked his bones. The thought of bright, emotional Wonho scared that he lacked any was terrifying. Kihyun pointedly stared at Changkyun, “He wants to see you. Be careful.”

“Me?” Changkyun asked dumbly as his brows rose. “Why?” 

“Don’t ask. He’s your hyung. Just do it for him.” Shownu interjected with a teary eyed expression. When had that happened? Changkyun simply nodded and got up but not before he shot Jooheon a look. One he hoped translated to, _‘Send a body search in a few minutes if you hear yelling.’_ It felt like eternity to get down the hall when in reality it was a few feet. He held his breath as he opened the door and then internally scolded himself for being dramatic. 

Wonho was there. He looked just like he would any other day. Except he had tears in his eyes and a hopeless look worn on his face. Changkyun hated that so much. It explained why he so eagerly made his way to his bedside. 

“Wonho hyung.” Changkyun murmured as he took in the sight of him. 

“I’m so empty.” Wonho replied quickly as he turned his head towards Changkyun. “There’s nothing there. I loved you too late and now there’s nothing.” 

So the word wasn’t hard for Wonho to say at all. Changkyun hadn’t been able to utter it for weeks after the surgery. Perhaps he’d been too far gone. 

“It’ll pass. You invented emotion, it’ll pass.” Changkyun had already begun to plead. Never did he want Wonho to think all hope was lost. “I promise.” It wasn’t an empty one. 

“It doesn’t feel that way. It’s just numb.” Wonho dropped his head then. Changkyun let out a small sigh. He knew this would be the hardest part, getting Wonho through the lack of emotion he would feel. “I’m scared.” 

“I know you’re scared.” Changkyun whispered as he reached a hand out to take Wonho’s. He was so grateful when the older didn’t pull away. Changkyun had pulled away from all of them at first but Wonho was so much stronger than he was. Changkyun knew that. “And it’s going to be scary especially when you start feeling things again. You’re going to have forgotten about how emotional you are over everything.” 

“I’m still your hyung.” Wonho scolded but the tiny upturn of his lips felt like victory. “Show some respect would you?” 

“I’m really trying to.” Changkyun returned the smile. “You just make it so hard.” He let his fingers brush across Wonho’s knuckles and something fierce and hot seared across his chest. It caused him to flinch, head shaking as he pulled away. Changkyun stared down at his hand confused. “What the hell? Did you feel that?” 

Wonho shot him a pained look and nodded. A small cough escaped the elder and Changkyun hurriedly stood up to pat him on the shoulder. 

“No one told me about anything like that.” Changkyun whispered as he rubbed his own hand across his chest. And that was true, no one had ever described a feeling like that to him. A scorching hot searing pain across your chest. Maybe no one had ever touched the person who put the flowers in their chest. Maybe no one had done it so no one had any reason to ever explain it. The gears in Changkyun’s head began to turn and glanced at Wonho’s face. “Maybe not everything is lost.”

“Maybe no one has been that stupid.” Wonho laughed softly as he coughed through the pain. It would be far worse for him, his stitches still healing. “Then again you’re fairly stupid.” And the way he grinned gave Changkyun far too much hope. 

“Yeah, I’m the stupid one.” Changkyun agreed with a small smile. Changkyun couldn’t help the tiny voice in his head that questioned him, _‘How long will you love him?’_ And Changkyun didn’t have an answer to that. Even through the numbness Changkyun had silently loved him, loved all of them. It had just been hard to express it. “I think we’re going to be okay.” 

Wonho simply reached out for Changkyun’s hand. The searing returned to his chest. It’s like his body was telling him to stop, that this wasn’t what he was supposed to do. And the way Wonho’s face contorted in pain Changkyun knew it was worse for him. “It didn’t work.” 

Changkyun tilted his head in confusion as he squeezed Wonho’s hand. “What didn’t work?” 

“I still love you. Even if I can’t feel it, even if it’s numb. I know it’s still there.” Wonho whispered as he let his hand slide up Changkyun’s wrist. Never did he break contact as he slowly grabbed onto his elbow, he pulled him close. Changkyun went willingly, the searing felt like it would bubble from his lips but he didn’t care. Wonho was here and Wonho wanted him close. “Whenever I think of you I know. I know my heart still wants your heart.” 

Changkyun said nothing as Wonho pulled him over roughly. It was like gasoline to a fire when their lips met. Wonho’s lips were like a hot flame and Changkyun wanted nothing more than to be scorched. Changkyun would burn up for Wonho’s love. 


End file.
